Motherhood is not always blissful.
Here was my day. Wake up. Immediately Kylie wants to eat, but her diaper is soaking through onto my arm. Change her while she protests, I could go pro in cattle wrestling after all the practice she gives me. Finally whip up some oatmeal which blessedly she likes. SCORE 1 for mom. Kiss Daniel good-bye, then he rushes off to work. I turn around to see half of Kylie’s sticky oatmeal on the floor and she’s taken off her bib and smeared it all
over her front as well. 1 for Kylie. So get her out, clean her off, start to clean up the floor but oh wait! She’s grabbing my hands, whining and pulling on me to go somewhere. To the front door, she apparently wants to go outside. I try to explain to her that she needs to wait while I clean up the carpet and that she can help me. Finally after who knows how long, the carpet is clean, Kylie is dressed, and I still haven’t eaten breakfast!
I decide to take her to run around the Temple grounds. They’re always so beautiful and peaceful, I don’t have to worry about dog poop or lots of people. But for some odd reason half the time she’s so angry at me and the world. Throwing constant temper tantrums for no reason. after 30 minutes of this I decide it’s not worth it, so we go home to try and put her down for a nap.
The rest of the day is pretty average. She throws her lunch all over the floor when I turn my back, and her dinner (she’s gotten better about not doing this, but still there are those days). Somehow throughout the day I managed to make dinner, make bread, and eat something myself. After dinner she tells me she want to take a bath, (which is so adorable). I think everything is going well and the night is winding down, but oh no, I put her down and turn for literally 3 seconds to get her pjs, and she’s starts peeing on the floor! I’m thinking “are you kidding me right now! You couldn’t do that in the tub 30 seconds ago?”
Well the evening did get easier, and she stopped throwing her little fits after numerous moments of me trying to teach her that screaming is not the way to behave. And now she’s playing happily in her room with daddy.
I had so many moments sporadically throughout the day when the thought crossed my mind “motherhood just isn’t for me. I don’t think I have the inner desire to love being a mom. I miss being a single, successful woman.” I know that what I’m doing by raising a child is so much more meaningful than vacations, clothes, money…it’s more lasting, it’s impacting the life of a little human and will in turn impact the lives of others, I know that. But some days I honestly question that I’m not faking. Am I the only one that feels this way? I know that this is probably just a phase, it was a difficult day and it’s wearing on me and making me emotionally vulnerable. But it’s sometimes comforting to know that I’m not the only one finding motherhood to be very different from what it was in the beginning and what I expected it to be.
I’m not trying to scare anyone out of ever wanting children. It really is the most important thing. But I’m just hoping that I can help other moms or future moms out there to realize that not every day is sunshine and rainbows, and perfect little picture perfect homes, and that they’re not the only ones feeling that they’re inadequate.
Listening to her giigle and laugh in the other room right now just warms my heart…and I wonder if maybe I just don’t fully understand the beautiful importance of being a mother. So I’m on a journey to discover, as I’m sure we all are.
I found THIS video clip to be extremely comforting.
I started bawling.